All of these losses changed me so deeply. Every goodbye sadder than the next. They brought me to the center of myself and beat against me until I broke open. I am forever changed and grateful. Every day I am creating something new and get closer to knowing myself, forgiving myself, loving myself. You are out there and perhaps you have been doing the same. Maybe one day we will both be going about our day and suddenly recognize each other. Not by sight and not by anything we can identify with words. Until then I will keep developing my inner song. That melodic vibration that compliments your collage of life. A song that only you can hear. I look forward to being recognized and appreciated.
I no longer need to know why things happened the way they did or do.
When I have to know I pause myself instead of moving forward.
In having to know I stop what I want from manifesting in my life.
I accept that I already know.
I trust what is.
I no longer need to grab ahold of my past and dig my heels in.
I no longer need to spend my energy making deposits into yesterday.
Yesterday only robs me of fully experiencing this moment.
When I fear something it is the very thing that is calling me to some part of my past that needs to be released.
I no longer want the weight of that backwards tug.
I can’t create my future when I am worried about the outcome.
I can’t receive the full reward of my creation if I don’t have faith.
I will unplug myself from the circuit of self-pity because all it brings is more of the same.
I will heal my past and bring forth a healthy future by living moment by moment by moment.
Enjoying every smile and being grateful moment, by moment, by moment.
Every sunbeam, every bite of food, every gesture of kindness shown to me, every kiss, every hug.
I will embrace the moment and absorb it into my soul.
I am accountable for where my spirit is and for what I create.
I take back from the outside world the ability to manipulate my wiring and I give myself over to the master electrician.
I am His apprentice.
I will not allow others to create my reality for me and I will retain my power.
I withdraw my spirit from the authority of other people.
I Am wild.
I Am strong.
I Am beautiful.
I Am full of adventure and love.
I Am grateful.
I Am happy.
As I wonder out the door with him there is this funny tearing feeling
A sense of adventure and wonder for meeting new people and possibilities.
in my mind I place your face upon him like trying on hats in a mirror
but the smile facing back at me has no influence over me.
And I am trying to take him in and give him my full attention-
He may want to love me really truly see me.
I try, I try, I try to give him a taste of my heart and soul but he just can’t seem to reach me.
I make myself a promise- that I’ll try to let him in.
As he takes my hand I wont jerk mine from his. I’ll feel the excitement in his skin.
I ‘ll ignore the misguided betrayal my heart feels.
As he puts his lips on mine and puts his effort into a kiss I will surrender to it.
I will keep surrendering until I surrender you.
I may not ever truly love him, not the way that he loves me but isn’t that how it goes?
Isn’t that how it goes?
It’s time to give way to the pieces of me that need to die so something new can grow
I’ll lean in towards the sunlight of someone who wants to shine upon me
And never let me go, the way you let me go.
Isn’t that how this goes?
I am a statue who wears the patina of a tangled life
Once manipulated by filthy hands with the genius ability to play
the fullness of every cell of potential living within my soul.
Instead my childhood and innocence ravaged by his agile fingers
as he hammered and pounded through the action disregarding my overtones
All I wanted was for him to show me how to hit the right peddles to release it
Unleash the fury of hurting contained within my wood in form that made sense
He was selfish and unkind and imprisoned my opus though I begged loudly for the power of his touch
to command the light to charge into the shadows and set free my impoverished voice
But he never took up for me and left me to dust in an opaque window vailed in dark
Reminding me forever that I was meant to be no one’s daughter
Leaving me trapped in remnant sounds of abandoned pianos
Don’t waste your time trying to analyze or disfigure my intentions by interpreting the things I have written or done. I have not ever shared my deep thoughts and feelings with you. This is the simple truth of it all:
I loved him beyond anyone’s understanding and even his own. I did not need to label it or explain it. Petty minds needed to define us and demanded for us to explain who we were to each other but not us. We never required this of each other because we both understood. We did not need to have sex with each other to be the most important person in one another’s life. Sex is so readily available elsewhere and his intellect and gentleness far outweighed anything I could gain from him sexually.
I did not need for him to label me- only set me apart in some special way. There were times he was my friend, my brother, my father, my partner but ultimately it does not matter- God put us in one another’s life for a good reason. The reason is no one’s business except God’s.
He knew he could call up on me for anything and I would be there. Whether he was right, wrong, or inadequate, or lonely, or whatever. It could be at 3 a.m. or five times a day. Whether or not his actions were that of a child throwing tantrums, or he played games in an effort to insight jealousy and anger in order to feel loved. Whether he needed others to see our interactions so that others could see how adored and loved he was so that he could feel accepted by an audience and validated. Whatever he needed I gave because I loved him and I was not blind to the methods by which he obtained soothing.
I understood his strengths, his potential, and his weaknesses and inadequacies and he is the only person who understood almost all of mine. Those I let him see anyway. He was always more willing to let me in than I anyone. One of the things I loved so much was that he was patient, kind, and no matter how much I tried to push him away he would gently pry me open. He understood I came with quirky rules. The most important “do not abandon me”.
For me, I needed nothing but to be seen, heard, and to know that nothing could separate our bond. I did not need him in the room, in the same city, or to be with him every day. It was just a bonus that he was and I was grateful for every moment I had with him. I needed to only know he was behind me. That if I had a weak moment he would be there if I asked.
When he stopped being there during important moments, when he became overly analytic of my behavior and accusatory, when he sought to destroy instead of understand, when he failed to realize how much I had sacrificed my own opportunities to promote his. When stranger’s circumstances took priority over mine. When he started only seeing his point of view. That is when I stopped. I stopped being the one to re-engage. But never did I or could I stop loving him.
I needed to wait and observe, to find out the truth- was I important? Did I matter enough to walk together through the set of tough life circumstances we were both being dealt? I left it up to him to initiate mending. He did not.
I never thought of myself so big or important that I should be the center of his life. There was this one important moment where I realized that in order for him to see himself through his eyes and really find himself and happiness I needed to move out of the way. I couldn’t let him rely upon my eyes to show him his greatness any longer.
So it has been long. Too long. I miss him. My desire for him to know himself and his purpose and to discover who he truly is more important than sharing my love with him. So I pray for him every day. I close my eyes and give him long hugs and wish him well. I whisper “I’m still here and I love you. If you need me I am here” and hope the wind carries my words to his heart. I hear things…. and I cry for him, laugh with him, and root for him secretly. It hurts to love this way. Still I cannot unloved him because I know him and I know this is his way.
So do not tell me how I feel, how I felt. You don’t know the first thing about my motives, my actions, how I feel, what he means to me, my life or who I am. It is beyond your desire to understand. You don’t really understand him either. You just get off on the sensationalism and interpretations instead of trying to understand the truth.
Tell me what it’s like to all at once let go and forgive. To know yourself completely. To put aside the chains of your body and use the stars as skipping stones. To not have any aching and longing and to be received by all those who have already gone. To be welcomed home and loved as you were created. To know your majesty and power. To feel tangled with your true nature and have freedom from your anger and your insatiable demons. To look in the depths of those who believe they are living and to know the truth. Tell me what it is like to be a part of the fabric of heaven and not defined by time or gravity. Tell me. Tell me. I grieve to know.
Are you closer than I think? Do you ever touch me? Do you laugh at me doing silly things? Are you the voice I hear inside my head that keeps me from danger? Do you see that my heart is broken? Do you have any power to help me?
Can you travel by light? Does it feel like hands up mid air dive on a roller coaster ride? Are you a hundred times more beautiful than how I knew you to be? I’m listening so please tell me.
Because I think it’s me I’m missing and you may know how to find me. If I have a special place set aside just for me I’m begging you to steer my dreams there. I feel left behind here- abandoned. Shipwrecked on this island. Do S.O.S. messages extend beyond the heavens? Tell me.
She calls me and I almost ignore the phone but I pick up almost robotically. As she begins talking I realize I am not even listening. I am empty and overflowing at the same time. I can’t think clearly. I can’t concentrate on her words. My sadness is so deep and wounding I consider just hanging up because I don’t want to explain. She asks, “how are you?” and somehow I muster up the most normal “I’m ok” but the words feel like self betrayal. I am not ok. I’m scared, I am hurt, I am mad and to tell the truth I wanted it to be someone else calling deep in my heart. Someone whose voice instantly calms me and makes the darkest moments endurable. But that caller won’t be calling tonight. She says, “let me call you back in a few minutes.” I hang up and secretly hope she won’t call me back because I don’t have the emotional toughness to make small talk and pretend. 20 minutes passes and I can no longer contain the pain. I begin crying- sobbing really and asking God for mercy, every muscle flexes and forces the tears out. Enough please God! Whatever lesson it is my soul was supposed to learn I am sure I learned it. I sob uncontrollably. Then there is a knock at the door. I open it and there she is. She hugs me, kisses my river drenched cheek, takes my hand and walks me into the kitchen where she opens a bottle of wine. We drink a glass saying nothing even though she can clearly see I am troubled and broken. She walks into my sunroom and finds a movie on Netflix and tucks me into a small stack of blankets and sits next to me. I fall asleep before the movie concludes and I can feel her re-tuck my blankets and adjust the pillow under my head. She gently pats me on the back as if to say, “you are loved” and leaves quietly. I feel a gust of air release from my body and I say to God, “thank you” just before giving into the exhaustion completely.
My thoughts are slipping away back to that day
And though I told myself when you walked away
It meant you couldn’t really care and you hadn’t been listening
that I should just leave it be because that is what you wanted
Maybe the bond I thought was there was never real
Ever since my heart has ached insatiably
Because I would have decided to do so many things differently
I wouldn’t have had all these losses and put myself in jeopardy
All the months before I was trying to tell you important things, really important things
You were either nowhere in view or I couldn’t get your ear
You wouldn’t be bothered and my existence was to be ignored
And I grew angry as you reduced me to air watching you laugh and play with everyone else the way you and I used to.
My worst fear and source of pain- being abandoned- well, you really nailed the game
I became a beggar for the attention and affection of someone who always made me a priority before
I was suffering and I know you were too
But it didn’t have to be that way
I couldn’t chase after you this time because I had to know
If I mattered enough to you to work it out
Your absence speaks so loudly
My little ghost
I wish you could feel every tear I’ve cried so you would know
It doesn’t have to be like this.
In a few weeks I will lose something and it’s going to hurt like hell but I have to accept it because it means that I will have the best chance for being healthy again. It also means that I won’t be able to have children ever but that I will be able to raise the one I have. I cannot express the grief and mental gymnastics I have been through the last few months. Every time my son asks when he will have a brother or sister I have no words. Unfortunately he asks often. I feel his deep longing and my own to have a family. It’s all I have ever truly wanted. A happy marriage and happy children ( not perfect but happy and supportive). To be with “my people” to be accepted. It’s just the two of us (me &my son). I just never feel like I’m enough. I beat myself up that I wasn’t more focused the last three years on having another child even though I wanted one. So many thoughts, regrets regarding that. I am just too old fashioned I guess to intentionally go it alone in bringing a child in to the world. I am a single mom now and I know how damn difficult it is. Everything falls on your shoulders when you are a single parent. EVERYTHING.
I try so hard to retain joy. It has been exhausting trying to make so many important decisions alone. I try not to allow my mind to focus on the negative aspects of this situation. I replay that moment in the doctors office when she told me my ovaries looked healthy a thousand times. I was so relieved I almost collapsed. In my mind I was sure I had ovarian cancer (an incurable cancer) and was going to die the way my mom did. I keep reliving the day she died over and over in my mind. Every gulp and gasp for air and the tear that dripped from the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek and the last time I ever touched her soft hands and the way her body looked so empty and it hit me that I would never hear her voice again. I am not scared one bit to die but, I am scared for my son and what his life looks like without me in it.
I may have a ‘touch’ of the cancer as I classify it and I am really hoping I am making the best decision to move forward with a full hysterectomy not only to eradicate the endometrial cancer but the chances of me developing ovarian cancer, but I am grieving none the less. Knowing that this decision is a permanent one I have fears and what if scenarios that play out in my mind continuously. Like, maybe I should just do a drug protocol instead like chemo in case I meet someone and they want to have kids but that is just a risk I can’t take with my son’s future. If he’s the right person he will be understanding.
In a few weeks I will also win because I will be able to go off of these drugs, I won’t feel like shit all the time, I’ll have some energy and peace of mind. No more dizziness, chills, fevers, terrible headaches, swelling, leg cramps, joint pain, and feeling helpless. No more chronic anemia and everything associated with that. No more progesterone (the devil). I just keep telling myself how lucky and blessed I am and that everything happens for a reason. I choose to focus on that instead of the worst case scenario. I pray my lymph nodes are clear and I can put all of this behind me very soon.