I’ve written a pile of love letters and spilled my words out like baskets of flowers. Sealed them carefully with a gold sticker, sprayed them with my perfume, drew cartoons on them, kissed each one and I’ve tucked them away to be cherished when the moment comes. I meant every word of them poured my soul over and into each one of them… because words are important Ray.
And one day it may be all that is left behind to remind the people who have been important in my life of the mark that they made. I just wanted you to know I didn’t forget about you. I am writing something extra special that I hope you take your time reading. It feels strange to finally get to say the things I always wanted but was too afraid to. Make no mistake I’m not afraid anymore and it’s not a love letter you’ll be receiving.
Instead I wrote down every name you ever called me: slut, bitch, dumb ass, cunt, whore to name a few. Know that your words made me strong. Then I recounted every detail of what it was like being ‘loved’ by you. Every disappearing act, every tear I could remember. Every offensive attack on my spirit, every battle wound, ridicule, mockery, and every bruise. I’m handing it all back to you and hope that seeing it all there in writing will shake you and motivate you.
And that little boy who’s looking for a man to guide him may have no choice but to look in your direction. I don’t know why it is that the most spiteful, hateful people thrive, while those who sacrificed so much of themselves are sacrificed to things like cancer. But that little man in the making is going to need tenderness, respect, and affection.
I may have no other choice but to hand you something you don’t deserve but mark my words…. You ought speak gently and let him unfold according to his nature and never discourage him because if you do I will be there around every corner and in the periphery of your mind and I won’t be quiet, peaceful, or kind to you.
He’s going to need to know how to approach so many things with integrity- How to open the doors of hearts and how to tie a tie. He’s going to need an example of how to forgive and how to let go and how to cope with disappointment and anger and to understand where there’s pain there’s growth. He’s going to need to know how to navigate to the high road, when it’s appropriate to turn the other cheek and when to fight. All of these lessons require careful thought and intention and commitment and time.
So just do this one honorable thing. Ray, this one thing and don’t fuck this up the way you did with me.