My Sweetest Friend

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My most dearest precious friend… don’t you know how you shine? Don’t you know how amazing you are? Don’t you know that I lived to hear you tell a joke and make me laugh? You rescued me so many times. So many times when I was ready to just give up and stop you showed up and reminded me who I was. You are amazing and wonderful and deserve all of life’s graces. This life has been a test. A really hard and test and it had been lonely and rigid and sometimes disgusting. Everything I thought I could count on eventually revealed itself.

Then there was you…. beautiful… honest… graceful…. And someone who I could always count on. A miracle. When everyone including myself abandoned me you were there. For as long as you could. Thank you for being you and for all your gifts.

My 50 Natural Highs

 

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I have been taking note of the things that make my heart smile. Those things that make me jump up inside and take notice of someone or make me feel closer to someone. Those sometimes small, special moments or gestures that leave me feeling naturally high, happy, and/or loved. What gives you a natural high?

  1. An answered prayer
  2. “Thank you, what you did impacted me in the following way_____”
  3. “I love the way you ____”
  4. Songs that remind me of my loved ones, songs that remind me of good times, songs that remind me of you.
  5. Being pulled out onto a dance floor to one of my favorite songs.
  6. Inside jokes.
  7. Getting lovingly teased.
  8. A nickname that only you call me by.
  9. When you trust me with your secrets.
  10. Getting tickled.
  11. Your arm around my shoulder.
  12. A sincere and long hug.
  13. A kiss on my forehead.
  14. When a door is opened for me.
  15. When I’m asked how my day was.
  16. Babies. Everything about them.
  17. When I overhear you saying something sweet about me to someone else.
  18. When someone unashamedly tells the world they love me.
  19. Cards for special days or occasions.
  20. Small gifts because you were thinking of me, or something reminded you of the time we spent together_____.
  21. Long drives down back roads on good weather days.
  22. Singing songs in the car.
  23. When someone fixes something for me without me asking.
  24. When a perfect stranger does something nice for me like carrying large bags of dog food out of the store to my car.
  25. When I sincerely apologize and the other person forgives me quickly so that I can forgive myself.
  26. When someone invites me to do something and they give our time together attention without distractions.
  27. When I am given a second chance without the threat of being abandoned or punished.
  28. When someone takes time to teach me something new.
  29. Inappropriate jokes.
  30. Pranking someone and getting pranked.
  31. Someone cooking me a meal.
  32. Seeing the look of gratification and appreciation on someone’s face when I cook for them.
  33. Seeing someone do something extraordinary against the odds.
  34. DejaVu.
  35. Eaves dropping on children talking to each other.
  36. Starring contests.
  37. When you are proud of me.
  38. When you smile at me.
  39. When you seem happy to see me.
  40. When I hear you laugh even when you are on the other side of the room from me.
  41. When you surprise me.
  42. When you reassure me and stand by me- even when I’m wrong.
  43. When someone draws me a picture.
  44. When you brag about the time we spent together.
  45. When I fall or hurt myself and you ask me if I am ok and pick me up before you start laughing at what a klutz I am.
  46. When I’m recognized for my accomplishments.
  47. When I am down and you make an ass out of yourself to make me laugh.
  48. When someone holds my hand when crossing the street because they know I’m prone to falling.
  49. When someone takes charge at a restaurant and orders for me.
  50. When someone opens up to me and shares their life with me.

Absent Butterflies

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When there is so much love pooling inside and no one is grabbing it,

Does it envelop itself and turn into sadness?

And does that sadness sit like an ocean

waiting for a full moon to force the heart into motion?

When no one but the angels are able to hear you,

And even your soul can’t muster up a whisper

Because it is chained by the disappointed lack of connection.

Well who then reaches in to save you?

Or do you just give up and give in, and decide to:

Leave everything behind you-

Leave everyone without you?

Is this where the contemplation of imaginary companions

In a fake network of “friends” inevitably happens?

Is it considered invasive to look each other deeply in the eyes?

Or will we all just become covert stalkers and spies?

Talking, hugging, laughing, silly dancing

Replaced by lost moments and acquaintances who know too much in passing?

Secrets that had been deep, sacred and guarded

Now labels for drama by the insensitive and discarded.

But if we can’t close the lid and we don’t ever restart or shutdown…

Then why does it feel like we are all shutting down?

What is supposed to be the core of our humanness-

A desire to love and be loved.

Is it just obsolete and outdated,

to feel one another without wearing gloves-

To be vulnerable without filters and risk a heart infection

Without the extensive pre-screening

Absent the butterflies and void of affection?

Just Want You

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The day bleeds into a night that turns against me

I let it all get the best of me

I take every little thing to heart and I don’t know how not to

I may be tired- I may be a little beat down

I keep trying to hold the world up by myself but it keeps coming down

And I don’t know how to tell you

I don’t want to be the strong one right now

I don’t want to be the one who’s right

I want to believe this matters to someone other than me

Cause I feel like I’m fading into your background

When I should be somewhere in your safe keeping

I don’t need my girlfriends to tell me what I want to hear

I don’t need just any voice on the line

I need to dance on the tops of your shoes to our favorite songs

And at the end of this night

I need you to promise me that everything will work itself out

That I can trust that you will still be there

No matter how thick the air gets

You’ll still look into my eyes and suspend me there

If I let this all get the best of me

It’s because I take every little thing to heart – I don’t know how not to

If I am tired and beat down

It’s because I keep trying to hold the world up but it keeps coming down

and I don’t know how to tell you just how I need you

Let Me Be Your Mirror

My Hero

Joy Is Not Circumstantial- It Is Conditioned

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With tear filled eyes, and my soul wide open and my failures, fears, anger, disappointment, and pain exposed I started to rapidly fall. And in my falling I threw my hands up and asked “why”? “Why am on I on this tiny broken ship in the middle of a hostile sea with no chance of survival, no life jacket, no anchor? Surely, I will be swallowed and others will be hurt.”  “Why have I never felt this lonely?” “Why do I feel slighted and the heaviness of injustice?” “Why do I feel completely abandoned?” “Why do I feel like a sitting duck waiting to be slaughtered.” “Why, why, why???” And in this moment- when I became completely helpless, I had no choice but to turn to the only source who would have answers. Then it came to me like a gentle nudge, “rejoice”. “Rejoice instead of becoming hopeless.” But why rejoice when everything is falling a part?

I recognized that in times of despair I seem to always have two options. Allow the difficulties I have faced to define me and engulf me or, take notes from my own history. Time and time again throughout my life I have been blessed through affliction. Most of the great things in life are hard and require overcoming. Talent is great- you either have it or you don’t but proven character is earned with blood, sweat, sacrifice, pushing the limits, falling down, getting bruises, performing consistency, and enduring over and over. Talent almost seems easy like cheating when you look at it through this lens.

I realized my own afflictions have produced endurance. The endurance that has forged my character, character that has instilled me with hope. Not a wish that gets begged into the air- but hope that comes from trusting God over and over and him never once letting me drown. What seems to be a curse or a death sentence then becomes a blessing when you are able look at affliction as an opportunity for God to show you his unwavering love.

This kind of hope makes room for joy. Anticipation of what is to come creeps in and possibilities and opportunities become bridges and doors where there were once roadblocks and frightening pitfalls. When frustration and doubt sneak their way into my mind I know it is ME- the co-creator of my life placing limitations on a limitless design. Joy then is not circumstantial. In other words, joy has not limited its accessibility to when circumstances are favorable and preferred. Rather it is conditioned like a trained muscle.

An Orphan’s Heart

An Orphan's Heart

You Transform Me

You Transform Me

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Don’t Let Me Fall

The Kindest Hearts

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