I Am Not Open To Interpretation

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Don’t waste your time trying to analyze or disfigure my intentions by interpreting the things I have written or done. I have not ever shared my deep thoughts and feelings with you. This is the simple truth of it all:

I loved him beyond anyone’s understanding and even his own. I did not need to label it or explain it. Petty minds needed to define us and demanded for us to explain who we were to each other but not us. We never required this of each other because we both understood. We did not need to have sex with each other to be the most important person in one another’s life. Sex is so readily available elsewhere and  his intellect and gentleness far outweighed anything I could gain from him sexually.

I did not need for him to label me- only set me apart in some special way. There were times he was my friend, my brother, my father, my partner but ultimately it does not matter- God put us in one another’s life for a good reason. The reason is no one’s business except God’s.

He knew he could call up on me for anything and I would be there. Whether he was right, wrong, or inadequate, or lonely, or whatever. It could be at 3 a.m. or five times a day. Whether or not his actions were that of a child throwing tantrums, or he played games in an effort to insight jealousy and anger in order to feel loved. Whether he needed others to see our interactions so that others could see how adored and loved he was so that he could feel accepted by an audience and validated. Whatever he needed I gave because I loved him and I was not blind to the methods by which he obtained soothing.

I understood his strengths, his potential, and his weaknesses and inadequacies and he is the only person who understood almost all of mine. Those I let him see anyway. He was always more willing to let me in than I anyone. One of the things I loved so much was that he was patient, kind, and no matter how much I tried to push him away he would gently pry me open. He understood I came with quirky rules. The most important “do not abandon me”.

For me, I needed nothing but to be seen, heard, and to know that nothing could separate our bond. I did not need him in the room, in the same city, or to be with him every day. It was just a bonus that he was and I was grateful for every moment I had with him. I needed to only know he was behind me. That if I had a weak moment he would be there if I asked.

When he stopped being there during important moments, when he became overly analytic of my behavior and accusatory, when he sought to destroy instead of understand, when he failed to realize how much I had sacrificed my own opportunities to promote his. When stranger’s circumstances took priority over mine. When he started only seeing his point of view. That is when I stopped. I stopped being the one to re-engage. But never did I or could I stop loving him.

I needed to wait and observe, to find out the truth- was I important? Did I matter enough to walk together through the set of tough life circumstances we were both being dealt? I left it up to him to initiate mending. He did not.

I never thought of myself so big or important that I should be the center of his life. There was this one important moment where I realized that in order for him to see himself through his eyes and really find himself and happiness I needed to move out of the way. I couldn’t let him rely upon my eyes to show him his greatness any longer.

So it has been long. Too long. I miss him. My desire for him to know himself and his purpose and to discover who he truly is more important than sharing my love with him. So I pray for him every day. I close my eyes and give him long hugs and wish him well. I whisper “I’m still here and I love you. If you need me I am here” and hope the wind carries my words to his heart. I hear things…. and I cry for him, laugh with him, and root for him secretly. It hurts to love this way. Still I cannot unloved him because I know him and I know this is his way.

So do not tell me how I feel, how I felt. You don’t know the first thing about my motives, my actions, how I feel, what he means to me, my life or who I am. It is beyond your desire to understand. You don’t really understand him either. You just get off on the sensationalism and interpretations instead of trying to understand the truth.

Tell Me

SJ

Tell me what it’s like to all at once let go and forgive. To know yourself completely. To put aside the chains of your body and use the stars as skipping stones. To not have any aching and longing and to be received by all those who have already gone. To be welcomed home and loved as you were created. To know your majesty and power. To feel tangled with your true nature and have freedom from your anger and your insatiable demons. To look in the depths of those who believe they are living and to know the truth. Tell me what it is like to be a part of the fabric of heaven and not defined by time or gravity. Tell me. Tell me. I grieve to know.

Are you closer than I think? Do you ever touch me? Do you laugh at me doing silly things? Are you the voice I hear inside my head that keeps me from danger? Do you see that my heart is broken? Do you have any power to help me?

Can you travel by light? Does it feel like hands up mid air dive on a roller coaster ride? Are you a hundred times more beautiful than how I knew you to be? I’m listening so please tell me.

Because I think it’s me I’m missing and you may know how to find me. If I have a special place set aside just for me I’m begging you to steer my dreams there. I feel left behind here- abandoned. Shipwrecked on this island. Do S.O.S. messages extend beyond the heavens? Tell me.

Consolation Caller

She calls me and I almost ignore the phone but I pick up almost robotically.  As she begins talking I realize I am not even listening. I am empty and overflowing at the same time. I can’t think clearly. I can’t concentrate on her words. My sadness is so deep and wounding I consider just hanging up because I don’t want to explain. She asks, “how are you?” and somehow I muster up the most normal  “I’m ok” but the words feel like self betrayal. I am not ok. I’m scared, I am hurt, I am mad and to tell the truth I wanted it to be someone else calling deep in my heart. Someone whose voice instantly calms me and makes the darkest moments endurable. But that caller won’t be calling tonight.  She says, “let me call you back in a few minutes.” I hang up and secretly hope she won’t call me back because I don’t have the emotional toughness to make small talk and pretend. 20 minutes passes and I can no longer contain the pain. I begin crying- sobbing really and asking God for mercy, every muscle flexes and forces the tears out. Enough please God! Whatever lesson it is my soul was supposed to learn I am sure I learned it. I sob uncontrollably. Then there is a knock at the door. I open it and there she is. She hugs me, kisses my river drenched cheek, takes my hand and walks me into the kitchen where she opens a bottle of wine. We drink a glass saying nothing even though she can clearly see I am troubled and broken. She walks into my sunroom and finds a movie on Netflix and tucks me into a small stack of blankets and sits next to me. I fall asleep before the movie concludes and I can feel her re-tuck my blankets and adjust the pillow under my head. She gently pats me on the back as if to say, “you are loved” and leaves quietly. I feel a gust of air release from my body and I say to God, “thank you” just before giving into the exhaustion completely.

My Little Ghost

My thoughts are slipping away back to that day

And though I told myself when you walked away

It meant you couldn’t really care and you hadn’t been listening

that I should just leave it be because that is what you wanted

Maybe the bond I thought was there was never real

Ever since my heart has ached insatiably

Because I would have decided to do so many things differently

I wouldn’t have had all these losses and put myself in jeopardy

All the months before I was trying to tell you important things, really important things

You were either nowhere in view or I couldn’t get your ear

You wouldn’t be bothered and my existence was to be ignored

And I grew angry as you reduced me to air watching you laugh and play with everyone else the way you and I used to.

My worst fear and source of pain- being abandoned- well, you really nailed the game

I became a beggar for the attention and affection of someone who always made me a priority before

I was suffering and I know you were too

But it didn’t have to be that way

I couldn’t chase after you this time because I had to know

If I mattered enough to you to work it out

Your absence speaks so loudly

My little ghost

I wish you could feel every tear I’ve cried so you would know

It doesn’t have to be like this.

Sometimes You Win When You Lose

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In a few weeks I will lose something and it’s going to hurt like hell but I have to accept it because it means that I will have the best chance for being healthy again. It also means that I won’t be able to have children ever but that I will be able to raise the one I have. I cannot express the grief and mental gymnastics I have been through the last few months. Every time my son asks when he will have a brother or sister I have no words. Unfortunately he asks often.  I feel his deep longing and my own to have a family. It’s all I have ever truly wanted. A happy marriage and happy children ( not perfect but happy and supportive). To be with “my people” to be accepted. It’s just the two of us (me &my son). I just never feel like I’m enough.  I beat myself up that I wasn’t more focused the last three years on having another child even though I wanted one. So many thoughts, regrets regarding that. I am just too old fashioned I guess to intentionally go it alone in bringing a child in to the world. I am a single mom now and I know how damn difficult it is. Everything falls on your shoulders when you are a single parent. EVERYTHING.

I try so hard to retain joy. It has been exhausting trying to make so many important decisions alone. I try not to allow my mind to focus on the negative aspects of this situation. I replay that moment in the doctors office when she told me my ovaries looked healthy a thousand times. I was so relieved I almost collapsed. In my mind I was sure I had ovarian cancer (an incurable cancer) and was going to die the way my mom did. I keep reliving the day she died over and over in my mind. Every gulp and gasp for air and the tear that dripped from the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek and the last time I ever touched her soft hands and the way her body looked so empty and it hit me that I would never hear her voice again. I am not scared one bit to die but, I am scared for my son and what his life looks like without me in it.

I may have a ‘touch’ of the cancer as I classify it and I am really hoping I am making the best decision to move forward with a full hysterectomy not only to eradicate the endometrial cancer but the chances of me developing ovarian cancer, but I am grieving none the less. Knowing that this decision is a permanent one I have fears and what if scenarios that play out in my mind continuously. Like, maybe I should just do a drug protocol instead like chemo  in case I meet someone and they want to have kids but that is just a risk I can’t take with my son’s future. If he’s the right person he will be understanding.

In a few weeks I will also win because I will be able to go off of these drugs, I won’t feel like shit all the time, I’ll have some energy and  peace of mind. No more dizziness, chills, fevers, terrible headaches, swelling, leg cramps, joint pain, and feeling helpless. No more chronic anemia and everything associated with that. No more progesterone (the devil). I just keep telling myself how lucky and blessed I am and that everything happens for a reason. I choose to focus on that instead of the worst case scenario. I pray my lymph nodes are clear and I can put all of this behind me very soon.

I Will Never Be The Same

I’ve lost faith in so many things and I am not sure I can recover

It will never be the same

I will never be the same

All my sweetness and grace slipping to the floor like abandoned flags

I pray that you will have peace of mind and that you know somehow that I loved you

I love you

That is real and one day we will all be whole  and we will be able to hold each other’s eyes again

I may not make it out of this maze

Maybe this wasn’t my time this time

I have acceptance but that doesn’t mean that my soul doesn’t ache

A body can anguish and the mind torture but none of that really matters

Bonds cannot ever truly be broken

I’ve loved

I’ve lost

I’m climbing these merciless mountains alone

When I close my eyes and I pray to God for angels it is not for me

But that you don’t get lost and that the full favor of light always surround you

You let me down, I forgive you

I let you down, I hope you will forgive me

When that day comes and surprises you like downpour in the midst of a sunny day

Know I that I could never willingly leave you

You are never alone

Why I Had To Kill Denise

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In my mind there is sometimes a movie playing. The feature film today is starring me and a young lady I will call “Denise”. Denise is sweet enough, your normal girl, her world is… well HER world and she knows what she knows based on the things she has experienced within her world. So why am I imagining Denise plumitting off the side of a very steep mountain top to her death in this movie playing out in my mind? Because Denise just stepped into MY world uninvited in a doctor’s office waiting room with her pretty little mouth, asking ignorant questions,  her Vera Bradley bag tucked neatly by her side, wearing her socially consciences Tom’s shoes AND she just irritated the living shit out of me. That’s why.

Just because I am sitting in the GYN’s office it doesn’t mean that I am here to confirm the wonderful news of a positive pregnancy test or just showing up for the dreaded annual pap test. Just because we are sitting in this office together doesn’t mean we are on the same page or in the same tribe at all. We aren’t sharing a prison cell. It isn’t appropriate to ask someone “what are you here for”. Who asks that in the GYN’s office?

I am happy you are 22, that you just got married a year ago, and just found out you are preggers. That is great and I am sure that you are going to be a great mom. I am sure you are nervous and excited, and have a million ideas for the perfect baby room and gift registries on your mind. You are a doll and I do wish you nothing but joy but how the f am I supposed to respond to your question without making you sound and feel like a complete insensitive douche bag Denise?

So yes… I lied to you Denise, while choking back my tears and said that I was here for what else but my annual. It was my pleasure listening to you go on at nauseam about how you knew you were pregnant, how many tests you took, and how you told your parents. I even mustered up a smile but that was really only because I just pushed you off the side of that mountain.

Blue Box Promises

 

Blue Box

This little blue box changed my life forever. In it is forgiveness, an expression of unconditional love, a promise, and validation that what God brings together is not a mistake and that those bonds can never be permanently separated. I am grateful and my heart is hopeful. Miracles do exist! 

Letter To Ray

Sarah & D

I’ve written a pile of love letters and spilled my words out like baskets of flowers. Sealed them carefully with a gold sticker, sprayed them with my perfume, drew cartoons on them, kissed each one and I’ve tucked them away to be cherished when the moment comes. I meant every word of them poured my soul over and into each one of them… because words are important Ray.

And one day it may be all that is left behind to remind the people who have been important in my life of the mark that they made. I just wanted you to know I didn’t forget about you. I am writing something extra special that I hope you take your time reading. It feels strange to finally get to say the things I always wanted but was too afraid to. Make no mistake I’m not afraid anymore and it’s not a love letter you’ll be receiving.

Instead I wrote down every name you ever called me: slut, bitch, dumb ass, cunt, whore to name a few. Know that your words made me strong. Then I recounted every detail of what it was like being ‘loved’ by you. Every disappearing act, every tear I could remember. Every offensive attack on my spirit, every battle wound, ridicule, mockery, and every bruise. I’m handing it all back to you and hope that seeing it all there in writing will shake you and motivate you.

And that little boy who’s looking for a man to guide him may have no choice but to look in your direction. I don’t know why it is that the most spiteful, hateful people thrive, while those who sacrificed so much of themselves are sacrificed to things like cancer. But that little man in the making is going to need tenderness, respect, and affection.

I may have no other choice but to hand you something you don’t deserve but mark my words…. You ought speak gently and let him unfold according to his nature and never discourage him because if you do I will be there around every corner and in the periphery of your mind and I won’t be quiet, peaceful, or kind to you.

He’s going to need to know how to approach so many things with integrity- How to open the doors of hearts and how to tie a tie. He’s going to need an example of how to forgive and how to let go and how to cope with disappointment and anger and to understand where there’s pain there’s growth. He’s going to need to know how to navigate to the high road, when it’s appropriate to turn the other cheek and when to fight. All of these lessons require careful thought and intention and commitment and time.

So just do this one honorable thing. Ray, this one thing and don’t fuck this up the way you did with me.

Hey You! The Time Is Here!

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Is there any charm left in the way you are living now? Is there any romance left in it? Your eyes have been saying it’s been feeling empty for a while. When was the last time you slept peacefully and woke up with a sense of purpose and happiness to approach the day? Decide to hand over your burnout, your pain, your emptiness. I am praying for an awakening deep in your bones. Deep in your heart. Deep in your eyes. Deep in your soul. Take a look at things with your heart and take your time.

I am praying for you to have the desire to move on and search for something more meaningful, live with more meaning, that your spirit will grow and you will grow emotionally. You are not trapped. That thinking is just an illusion.

I am praying for self confidence for you and the dissolution of all fear in your head. I am praying for healthy thoughts. Don’t you want to be healthy? I know you do. I can see that you do when you make ½ committed efforts that only last for a short period of time. Those attempts are an indication for what your soul wants. Become confident about your abilities and have faith. Think positive thoughts. You are not helpless. You are not a victim.

Face the reality that you were never abandoned or alone. It was you who abandoned yourself. You who abandoned your life. You who turned the light out. You who isolated yourself and let your anger separate you from those who love you the most. You who looked for validation from empty and lost souls who only reflected back to you what your ego wanted to hear or that hurting child inside wanted to hear. Not what your divine nature wants you to hear. You are more than they could ever imagine but they sense it and that is why they want to keep you with them. Because they know if you grow and move on that it will force them to look at themselves.

I know you are scared. Scared of letting go of the devices that bring you comfort and allow you to cope but if you would allow your mind to connect with your heart things would be clearer. That social network you are trying to maintain, the appearances you are trying to keep up, are exhausting you and fueling your depression.

When does it stop? Will it take a devastating rock bottom? I love you- the real you and I won’t ever stop loving you. I’m just waiting for you to figure it out. I know you will. I can’t wait to see you rediscover who you are and find your happiness. You are going to shine so bright and I will fall to my knees with gratitude for our savior who pursued you so lovingly.

You don’t have to be a saint, you don’t have to be boring, you don’t have to be anything other than you. It isn’t all or nothing even though it feels like it has to be. It isn’t. It’s just you and God having a conversation and you surrendering that you are all out of hope. You haven’t failed or screwed up your life. These are all just lessons.

 

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