My Little Ghost

My thoughts are slipping away back to that day

And though I told myself when you walked away

It meant you couldn’t really care and you hadn’t been listening

that I should just leave it be because that is what you wanted

Maybe the bond I thought was there was never real

Ever since my heart has ached insatiably

Because I would have decided to do so many things differently

I wouldn’t have had all these losses and put myself in jeopardy

All the months before I was trying to tell you important things, really important things

You were either nowhere in view or I couldn’t get your ear

You wouldn’t be bothered and my existence was to be ignored

And I grew angry as you reduced me to air watching you laugh and play with everyone else the way you and I used to.

My worst fear and source of pain- being abandoned- well, you really nailed the game

I became a beggar for the attention and affection of someone who always made me a priority before

I was suffering and I know you were too

But it didn’t have to be that way

I couldn’t chase after you this time because I had to know

If I mattered enough to you to work it out

Your absence speaks so loudly

My little ghost

I wish you could feel every tear I’ve cried so you would know

It doesn’t have to be like this.

Sometimes You Win When You Lose

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In a few weeks I will lose something and it’s going to hurt like hell but I have to accept it because it means that I will have the best chance for being healthy again. It also means that I won’t be able to have children ever but that I will be able to raise the one I have. I cannot express the grief and mental gymnastics I have been through the last few months. Every time my son asks when he will have a brother or sister I have no words. Unfortunately he asks often.  I feel his deep longing and my own to have a family. It’s all I have ever truly wanted. A happy marriage and happy children ( not perfect but happy and supportive). To be with “my people” to be accepted. It’s just the two of us (me &my son). I just never feel like I’m enough.  I beat myself up that I wasn’t more focused the last three years on having another child even though I wanted one. So many thoughts, regrets regarding that. I am just too old fashioned I guess to intentionally go it alone in bringing a child in to the world. I am a single mom now and I know how damn difficult it is. Everything falls on your shoulders when you are a single parent. EVERYTHING.

I try so hard to retain joy. It has been exhausting trying to make so many important decisions alone. I try not to allow my mind to focus on the negative aspects of this situation. I replay that moment in the doctors office when she told me my ovaries looked healthy a thousand times. I was so relieved I almost collapsed. In my mind I was sure I had ovarian cancer (an incurable cancer) and was going to die the way my mom did. I keep reliving the day she died over and over in my mind. Every gulp and gasp for air and the tear that dripped from the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek and the last time I ever touched her soft hands and the way her body looked so empty and it hit me that I would never hear her voice again. I am not scared one bit to die but, I am scared for my son and what his life looks like without me in it.

I may have a ‘touch’ of the cancer as I classify it and I am really hoping I am making the best decision to move forward with a full hysterectomy not only to eradicate the endometrial cancer but the chances of me developing ovarian cancer, but I am grieving none the less. Knowing that this decision is a permanent one I have fears and what if scenarios that play out in my mind continuously. Like, maybe I should just do a drug protocol instead like chemo  in case I meet someone and they want to have kids but that is just a risk I can’t take with my son’s future. If he’s the right person he will be understanding.

In a few weeks I will also win because I will be able to go off of these drugs, I won’t feel like shit all the time, I’ll have some energy and  peace of mind. No more dizziness, chills, fevers, terrible headaches, swelling, leg cramps, joint pain, and feeling helpless. No more chronic anemia and everything associated with that. No more progesterone (the devil). I just keep telling myself how lucky and blessed I am and that everything happens for a reason. I choose to focus on that instead of the worst case scenario. I pray my lymph nodes are clear and I can put all of this behind me very soon.

I Will Never Be The Same

I’ve lost faith in so many things and I am not sure I can recover

It will never be the same

I will never be the same

All my sweetness and grace slipping to the floor like abandoned flags

I pray that you will have peace of mind and that you know somehow that I loved you

I love you

That is real and one day we will all be whole  and we will be able to hold each other’s eyes again

I may not make it out of this maze

Maybe this wasn’t my time this time

I have acceptance but that doesn’t mean that my soul doesn’t ache

A body can anguish and the mind torture but none of that really matters

Bonds cannot ever truly be broken

I’ve loved

I’ve lost

I’m climbing these merciless mountains alone

When I close my eyes and I pray to God for angels it is not for me

But that you don’t get lost and that the full favor of light always surround you

You let me down, I forgive you

I let you down, I hope you will forgive me

When that day comes and surprises you like downpour in the midst of a sunny day

Know I that I could never willingly leave you

You are never alone

Why I Had To Kill Denise

shut it

In my mind there is sometimes a movie playing. The feature film today is starring me and a young lady I will call “Denise”. Denise is sweet enough, your normal girl, her world is… well HER world and she knows what she knows based on the things she has experienced within her world. So why am I imagining Denise plumitting off the side of a very steep mountain top to her death in this movie playing out in my mind? Because Denise just stepped into MY world uninvited in a doctor’s office waiting room with her pretty little mouth, asking ignorant questions,  her Vera Bradley bag tucked neatly by her side, wearing her socially consciences Tom’s shoes AND she just irritated the living shit out of me. That’s why.

Just because I am sitting in the GYN’s office it doesn’t mean that I am here to confirm the wonderful news of a positive pregnancy test or just showing up for the dreaded annual pap test. Just because we are sitting in this office together doesn’t mean we are on the same page or in the same tribe at all. We aren’t sharing a prison cell. It isn’t appropriate to ask someone “what are you here for”. Who asks that in the GYN’s office?

I am happy you are 22, that you just got married a year ago, and just found out you are preggers. That is great and I am sure that you are going to be a great mom. I am sure you are nervous and excited, and have a million ideas for the perfect baby room and gift registries on your mind. You are a doll and I do wish you nothing but joy but how the f am I supposed to respond to your question without making you sound and feel like a complete insensitive douche bag Denise?

So yes… I lied to you Denise, while choking back my tears and said that I was here for what else but my annual. It was my pleasure listening to you go on at nauseam about how you knew you were pregnant, how many tests you took, and how you told your parents. I even mustered up a smile but that was really only because I just pushed you off the side of that mountain.

Messages From The Other Side?

Reading notes

After wrestling with some pretty big issues for weeks both me and my friend Em were at an standstill and longed for answers.  So on a whim really, we met up and went to a medium who just happened to be doing readings at a local shop. For those that aren’t familiar, a medium is someone who claims to be able to speak to those in the afterlife. My friend wanted to go to connect with her grandmother who passed and I wanted to talk to anybody given that majority of my loved ones have passed but I did hope to maybe get a message if possible from my mom. Neither one of us had high expectations but we were hoping and wishing that something otherworldly or magical might happen. If not, then we would just be happy to get to spend time together and have some laughs.

To get started the medium told us that she wanted us to ask a question and that is it. She did not want any information and as she started to draw, write, and talk she did not want us interjecting. She preferred for us to just get the messages and to ask clarifying questions. She performed my friend’s reading first and I was pretty taken back at the accuracy and got a little excited that I was next.

She started by writing down my name on the paper. I recorded the session. I am going to share most of the info but am going to omit some of the information because it refers specifically to people who are living and is too personal to share. This is what she told me….

[ I see you working hard in a “management-ishy” role but that you will be taking all those skills and tools into a consultant role. She said you will likely enroll in school because you will need greater credentials to be recognized in your field. She drew a spear on the paper and a tomahawk and circled it and wrote the word school (*I applied for the distance learning program at FSU a couple weeks ago and got accepted. Their mascot is an Indian and their logo is a spear.). She told me that she was seeing images flash rapidly of my last ten years and they were really challenging. (*Amen sister, if she only knew- or maybe she does now!). She said that 10 years ago I had significant events that caused me to have a deep and profound spiritual awakening. And that the last five years in particular caused an increased speed in my spiritual experiences and knowledge and I started going through changes and experiences both good and bad with “burning” intensity as a way for me to grow so that I can do the work I am meant to do. (*interesting). She went on to say that the last three months I was forced to the epicenter of a cross road and that my family and friends are having a hard time understanding me because I have been very private. (*truer words were never spoken) She told me to let them work themselves out and honor the process and follow my instinct. She said you are very different and you are aware of it but have had a great deal of trouble understanding why, accepting it, and you retreat because you feel rejection from others when you are trying to give them the love God has asked you to. As a result you have had a lot of extreme polar experiences with people. (*I started to cry- don’t know why) She said that people of like vibration, frequency, spiritual knowing, and way of loving will gravitate towards you and feel a sense of purpose and healing when around you and those who don’t understand it will be very judgmental, gossip, become jealous, and even mean spirited towards you. These people aren’t bad they just don’t have the same knowing that you do and they feel confused and at conflict with themselves when you are around. They will fill in what they perceive as holes with their own version of events (*ok????) She said you should remain focused on yourself and not become overly burdened with sadness that some of the people who you have “beloved” aren’t living or working in a way that honors their calling in life. She said- you need to have more faith not in them but in God. She said when they too awake they will long to be by your side and you will accept them and all will be well. They need to go through their own awakening and it will be a tough process if they are kicking and screaming the whole way instead of recognizing the gift they are being given. (*noted- and will work on having faith!] She then moved on to providing me messages from deceased loved ones.

This is what she said…..

[There is a talkative male wearing overalls coming through. He is a father type but now an older male coming through with him says he is a farmer. He looks like he is 65ish to show me that it is a father and son. It feels like a grandfather and dad to you. They are showing me overalls. (*ok a little real life background- so here’s the deal. My grandfather and biological father are both deceased. My Grandfather was a farmer and there was some controversy at my dad’s funeral because my dad, who was NOT a farmer but a pianist, asked to be buried in overalls. Some of us did not understand why and thought he should be buried in a tuxedo. I have always wondered if he was out of his mind when he said he wanted to be buried in overalls or trying to make a sarcastic statement by doing so.) So I ask my first question at this point. Why are overalls important? The medium says, he is telling me to tell you he was trying to honor his roots. (*Freaky!). Then she says the grandfather passed from something related to the heart and she draws a heart on the paper. He wants to acknowledge you and your brother being there. (*chills and on edge of my seat!). She said he wants to thank you because he said because of your special gift he was able to take the angels hand without fear. (WHAT????- ok so this is something extremely personal I am about to share but will. Background- When my grandfather died I held his hand, closed my eyes and pictured me holding his hand, him in the middle and an angel coming up to take his other hand. I heard him in my head say ok, ok, I can do this and he let go of my hand. So I actually physically let go of his hand in the hospital room and he passed away. I have never, ever told anyone about that experience.) At this point the medium looks at me and says oh my God that’s what this is about. You have a gift. She starts crying and apologizes and says I have never experienced this gift before. I suspected it was one but have never had that validated. (*things are getting weird). She then says, you are a minister of the spirit. You are supposed to help people cross over to the keeping of angels without fear. She said your grandfather is clapping his hands and he is with a group and they are all clapping in unison and wants me to tell you there is a birthday or anniversary coming up to further validate what I am telling you because it is very important. She writes down 25 and circles it. (*my grandfather’s birthday is September 25th). She says you have other gifts too but this is the one that is most important for your life’s work. She then tells me I have 3 minutes left and asks if there is anything I want to ask about?]. I say, yes, (*I’m actually scared to ask though). I tell her I want to know about my health.

She says…. [ A woman is stepping forward and she has three other women with her who are all pointing their energy in a beam towards you. They are all on your side and there for you they say. This feels like a mom and a grandma for sure but there are two others too. It is your mom. (*my mom, grandmother, mother-in law, and a few other female friends have passed) She is practically yelling through a mega phone at me. She is saying- go through my history. Learn from my history! She is telling me that you will soon have the results of the bloodwork or maybe you do or you should get them. (*I did recently get bloodwork done and I have the results- I also had my doctor send a medical release request to my mother’s oncologist in Florida that very morning!!!!!!!) She is telling me to tell you to look at her history and there is a document in a file somewhere it is like a strip and it deals with the blood. The Medium relays it’s like the shape of those bubble sheets kids used to fill in for testing in school. There is something important on it that you need to see. (*UMMMM WOW!!!!) She wants me to tell you that this is very important, very important. You need to go back and read everything and take a look at what worked and what didn’t and she assures me it will make sense to you and you will understand and your answers will come from reviewing her history. Then she politely says, your time is up. ] (*felt a little abrupt)

There was not anything that was incorrect in her reading and she provided relevant messages that made me feel like she was really tuning into my grandfather and mom. I gave her no information. Coincidentally, earlier that day I spent the day on the phone with doctors discussing treatment options for a health issue I am having, I went to visit both my grandfather and father’s graves because I was trying to pick out a burial plot for myself, I had my grandfather’s monument updated to reflect the date he died and I went into the funeral home and the Director, Curtis gave me some information to get me started getting everything in order for my own funeral one day. So all of these things were issues that I was dealing with that day.

II have always been fascinated with people like Teresa Capputo aka The Long Island Medium. There are just some things that no one would know ever without them having received the information through divine intervention. I do think that there are a lot of people out there though trying to make a fast dollar so I still consider myself a cautious skeptic but a believer in that the gift exists and should be used as a holy service. I don’t know, I can’t explain it but, I am just going to take the messages I received and have faith. If nothing else, I feel more at peace with some of the actions I am taking right now in my life. There was so much more I wanted to know of course but when your time is up I guess that’s it! I’d definitely go back to her.

Blue Box Promises

 

Blue Box

This little blue box changed my life forever. In it is forgiveness, an expression of unconditional love, a promise, and validation that what God brings together is not a mistake and that those bonds can never be permanently separated. I am grateful and my heart is hopeful. Miracles do exist! 

Letter To Ray

Sarah & D

I’ve written a pile of love letters and spilled my words out like baskets of flowers. Sealed them carefully with a gold sticker, sprayed them with my perfume, drew cartoons on them, kissed each one and I’ve tucked them away to be cherished when the moment comes. I meant every word of them poured my soul over and into each one of them… because words are important Ray.

And one day it may be all that is left behind to remind the people who have been important in my life of the mark that they made. I just wanted you to know I didn’t forget about you. I am writing something extra special that I hope you take your time reading. It feels strange to finally get to say the things I always wanted but was too afraid to. Make no mistake I’m not afraid anymore and it’s not a love letter you’ll be receiving.

Instead I wrote down every name you ever called me: slut, bitch, dumb ass, cunt, whore to name a few. Know that your words made me strong. Then I recounted every detail of what it was like being ‘loved’ by you. Every disappearing act, every tear I could remember. Every offensive attack on my spirit, every battle wound, ridicule, mockery, and every bruise. I’m handing it all back to you and hope that seeing it all there in writing will shake you and motivate you.

And that little boy who’s looking for a man to guide him may have no choice but to look in your direction. I don’t know why it is that the most spiteful, hateful people thrive, while those who sacrificed so much of themselves are sacrificed to things like cancer. But that little man in the making is going to need tenderness, respect, and affection.

I may have no other choice but to hand you something you don’t deserve but mark my words…. You ought speak gently and let him unfold according to his nature and never discourage him because if you do I will be there around every corner and in the periphery of your mind and I won’t be quiet, peaceful, or kind to you.

He’s going to need to know how to approach so many things with integrity- How to open the doors of hearts and how to tie a tie. He’s going to need an example of how to forgive and how to let go and how to cope with disappointment and anger and to understand where there’s pain there’s growth. He’s going to need to know how to navigate to the high road, when it’s appropriate to turn the other cheek and when to fight. All of these lessons require careful thought and intention and commitment and time.

So just do this one honorable thing. Ray, this one thing and don’t fuck this up the way you did with me.

Hey You! The Time Is Here!

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Is there any charm left in the way you are living now? Is there any romance left in it? Your eyes have been saying it’s been feeling empty for a while. When was the last time you slept peacefully and woke up with a sense of purpose and happiness to approach the day? Decide to hand over your burnout, your pain, your emptiness. I am praying for an awakening deep in your bones. Deep in your heart. Deep in your eyes. Deep in your soul. Take a look at things with your heart and take your time.

I am praying for you to have the desire to move on and search for something more meaningful, live with more meaning, that your spirit will grow and you will grow emotionally. You are not trapped. That thinking is just an illusion.

I am praying for self confidence for you and the dissolution of all fear in your head. I am praying for healthy thoughts. Don’t you want to be healthy? I know you do. I can see that you do when you make ½ committed efforts that only last for a short period of time. Those attempts are an indication for what your soul wants. Become confident about your abilities and have faith. Think positive thoughts. You are not helpless. You are not a victim.

Face the reality that you were never abandoned or alone. It was you who abandoned yourself. You who abandoned your life. You who turned the light out. You who isolated yourself and let your anger separate you from those who love you the most. You who looked for validation from empty and lost souls who only reflected back to you what your ego wanted to hear or that hurting child inside wanted to hear. Not what your divine nature wants you to hear. You are more than they could ever imagine but they sense it and that is why they want to keep you with them. Because they know if you grow and move on that it will force them to look at themselves.

I know you are scared. Scared of letting go of the devices that bring you comfort and allow you to cope but if you would allow your mind to connect with your heart things would be clearer. That social network you are trying to maintain, the appearances you are trying to keep up, are exhausting you and fueling your depression.

When does it stop? Will it take a devastating rock bottom? I love you- the real you and I won’t ever stop loving you. I’m just waiting for you to figure it out. I know you will. I can’t wait to see you rediscover who you are and find your happiness. You are going to shine so bright and I will fall to my knees with gratitude for our savior who pursued you so lovingly.

You don’t have to be a saint, you don’t have to be boring, you don’t have to be anything other than you. It isn’t all or nothing even though it feels like it has to be. It isn’t. It’s just you and God having a conversation and you surrendering that you are all out of hope. You haven’t failed or screwed up your life. These are all just lessons.

 

Starring Contests, Ugly Crying & Pure Grief

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I haven’t had a good solid, cleansing cry aka “Ugly Cry” in about three years. I’ve tried but the tears wouldn’t come. There were a few times where the tears pooled and a few even fell but not the rain storm or hurricane that my soul feels inside. I’ve certainly had events that called for it where it would be more than acceptable and even expected.

Grief is supposed to be nature’s built- in genius to relieve us from the shock of and disassociation from an emotional reality that seems far too great to come to terms with. I think grief by this design is a form of grace and an expression of God’s deep love for us. Although I feel it and am aware of its presence, I have had significant difficulty understanding its purpose or expressing it and releasing it from my body until now.

Life taught me that my feelings and expressing myself are dangerous and because of that belief I have attracted people and circumstances into my life that validated that hideous lie. Over and over the people in my life would beg me to reveal my emotions, inner most thoughts, feelings, desires to them like a prize to be won and when I did they would sometimes chastise me for my delivery or tell me my feelings were wrong or use my feelings as a way to manipulate me into feeling differently about them or get me to be who they wanted or do what they wanted.This led me to give up, choose numbness and disassociation. Guarded doesn’t even begin to describe it.

The truth is feelings cannot be wrong, they just are. Only preemptive thoughts resulting in feelings can be flawed and our thoughts are products of all kinds of experiences. Our experiences are intimate and limited to our interpretation of what they mean to us personally and because of this our experiences can trick us into believing false things about ourselves, our environment, and the world, how we should be treated, treat others, and the love we deem ourselves worthy of receiving.

With the recent realization that my experiences create thoughts and those thoughts create my feelings it got me real curious about my own experiences and those that may have contributed to my inability to experience grief the way nature intended. So I started to write it all out. I started with the belief (thinking) that if I express my sadness and grief outwardly that it means I am weak and it is an admission of brokenness. When did I form this belief? The first memory of a time when this may have happened was at five years of age.

I watched my parents fight to near death several times when I was little and one of the most frightening memories I have is of my dad chasing my mom with a belt into my bedroom and her fleeing behind both me and my sister for protection because she banked on him not hurting his children. He doubled the belt over and snapped it at her threatening her several times as she coward behind us. After the situation subsided my mom turned to me and said thank you. Not sorry, not- I was afraid and I shouldn’t have put you in harm’s way, not- this is unacceptable behavior and I promise I am going to get us out of this situation. But….thank you? In hindsight I think this highlighted for me that she was relying on me (a kindergartener) to protect her, the twenty six year old mother of three.

My mind recorded several lessons from that event even though it only lasted a matter of 3 minutes. This moment that happened 34 years ago imprinted on me and would only get reinforced with other similarly traumatic events throughout my childhood. The takeaways for me at 5 were:

1. Life is scary and unpredictable
2. I don’t like the way this feels
3. I don’t ever want to feel this way (helpless, confused, scared) again
4. Am I capable treating others this way?
5. Am I next?
6. He looked pleased and gratified when she submitted
7. I cannot trust my caregiver; therefore, I cannot trust anyone
8. Be on guard and protect yourself at all costs
9. Fly under the radar as much as possible, become less so you don’t get noticed
10. I need to protect others because if I don’t someone might get injured or die

That is a shit ton for someone so small to process and deal with. BTW- if you have engaged in domestic violence- there you have it. Enough said. Those are the forever gifts you are giving the children in your life. Get real with yourself and get help.

There was another time when my mom decided to use corporal punishment on me. I have no idea what I even did but, whatever it was, my mom felt it needed to be addressed with a spanking to be performed with her bare hands. I was 9 and my mom told me to bend over and pull my pants down (never understood why that was an ingredient to spanking anyway- guess it hurts more?). It’s downright degrading to have to get on your knees, bend over, and have to submit to someone who is filled with anger. In any case, I just told myself- don’t cry. When I didn’t cry after her taking several pretty solid swats, she told me if I would just cry she wouldn’t spank me anymore. Finally, her swatting got more angry and intentional until my skin broke in places. She screamed, JUST CRY!

So let me get this straight, if I allow you to break me then you will stop? My spirit wouldn’t accept it. So my mom spanked me until her hand went numb, turned purple and she fell to the floor and cried in pain. I later broke down crying in my room because my ass hurt so damn bad and the shower water hurt like hell but I also got a sense of gratification and strength from the fact that I did not submit. It was like me throwing it in her face and saying with my unwillingness to be present and feel the pain “you hypocrite, I won, I am stronger than you, oh and screw you for not protecting me all these years, no matter what you irresponsible assholes do you can’t hurt me.”

I told myself that going silent is a sign of strength, not reacting was control and going numb would protect me. She never spanked me again but she did slap me, pull my hair, choke me, tell me she wished she never became a mom, and held me under water once in the pool after getting wasted. The more unexpressed grief my mom had the more drastic her abuse. I knew she was in pain and I wanted her pain to end so I took it, didn’t fight back, and sacrificed my pain for hers.

I should say that my mom made a concerted effort to ask for forgiveness after rededicating her life to Christ and in the years after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and leading up to her death we made amends and I forgave her. She became a soul mate to me. Even though I forgave her in my mind and in my heart I didn’t express it outwardly in the form of tears. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty. I wanted there to be peace.

I denied myself the grief and when grief is disowned it becomes dangerous. It was trapped inside of me like a bullet bouncing around. I set aside my needs for the greater good and harmony of my family. Instead I learned to use humor as a deflector or disappear when things were intense. I would sometimes lock myself in my room for days only resurfacing for dinner if forced.

Being funny came natural to me and instead of making everyone uncomfortable it got the point across and made everyone laugh. It seemed to break the tension but what people don’t seem to recognize is that the funniest, most charismatic, endearing, empathetic, intuitive people in the world are some of the saddest, repressed and depressed people on earth. You have to know deep buried pain to recognize when it is deep and buried in someone else. Being funny is likeable, acceptable and being sad, well that is just a downer and nobody wants to sit willingly next to sad at the lunch table for very long.

I just had a thought and I am going to share it. As I wrote out the above stories, deep wounds, and experiences above it felt good to get them out but, then I started to think about you reading them and you seeing my pain, your judgments and I almost deleted everything. Why? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable- that’s why. So let me go on record now, I am writing about this not to rehash every painful memory and depress everyone. I am doing it because I need to heal and I deserve to heal and to have peace and I can’t do that if I have more fear than I do love for myself. If you are uncomfortable, then perhaps you have your own work to do. So I am going to see that for what it is and release it.

Which brings me full circle back to my original concern- not having had a true “ugly cry” in three years. When someone doesn’t allow them selves to feel grief and express it in the way it was designed I think it gets trapped until it is so destructive that it requires divine intervention to dislodge it from the body and release it from the spirit. I think God uses gentle nudges to get us there but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom and we have to either temporarily lose something, someone, ourselves in order to wake us up.

A few days ago I was out and I witnessed a brother and sister having a starring contest. At first it felt like time stopped just for me to experience/observe them experiencing the joy of this wonderfully sacred moment watching them be playful with each other, enjoying each other, not having any fear of seeing each other and having full acceptance of each other. I thought, that is God right there. God just showed me that. It made me smile so deeply and then that moment turned into the most intense grief I have felt in a very long time and in the blink of an eye and I couldn’t control it. I ran to my car and burst into the most solid ugly cry I think has ever been cried.

I realized that God was bringing me the edge of a hole in my heart that I was too scared to face because in doing so I would have to admit to myself that I was hurt and that I could not repair it myself. That would mean I am broken, flawed, inadequate, wrong, not in control and I could not allow myself to be out of control- not consciously anyway. It would mean that I would have to consider that I was rejected, dejected, and maybe not really ever loved by someone I shared a few starring contests with- someone who was my mirror- someone I called my best friend. That we were a mistake in each other’s lives and other fear based thoughts.

Fear is a thief that enters our thoughts and love asks grief to step in and have us feel the discord between the truth and fear. That uncomfortable feeling then becomes the catalyst for love to show fear the exit sign.

Grief comes to the door of your heart and knocks and says let me take this from you and in a split moment you peer through the peephole and decide whether to answer and allow grief to do its job so that you can give what you cannot handle, control, or change over. If you don’t answer the door then grief waits forever and the more you ignore it, it becomes a pesky collector. To drown him out drastic defenses are required but inevitably grief will work as designed and since you are not working with the design and instead push against it you grow more and more tired until you are sick, addicted, the worst version of yourself, depressed, suicidal, or until you surrender to divine intervention who will unlock the door to your heart for you and invite grief in to be felt so that grief can be expressed and released. So that love can be felt and remembered authentically again and the truth can be seen.

I know that the person I shared starring contests with loved me and I am grateful for those moments. I am also grateful for the grief I feel remembering those moments because they have brought me back to consciousness with my spirit and I know for certain that at least for a few moments I was seen and loved completely and that I saw and loved this person completely, without fear of failure, without condition, without an agenda, without any external input or opinions from others not involved in our starring contest. So if that is the case that means the lie I keep telling myself is just a fear-based lie. Because it feels more realistic and plausible to believe the other person was not who they pretended to be, that we tricked each other, than to recognize we are human, we hurt each other, and if we admitted we were wrong and forgave each other we would have to risk loving each other again and that is scary.

I’ve Loved Like I Should But Lived Like I Shouldn’t

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“There comes a time in everyone’s life when all you see are the years passing by and I have made up my mind that those days are gone.” Quite frankly it’s time to grow the f up, stop being afraid, stop accepting substandard love and stop just existing and live like I was meant to before I don’t have the opportunity to. This song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1pHbP0aMf0 hits so close to home for me.

It has been rough the last ten years. Life hasn’t been easy. It’s been unkind and some of my choices have been really bad. I have been through more than a person should have to go through. There are piles of experiences and sorrow that I have never shared with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone or appear weak. So the piles got out of control and instead of dealing with it I just shut the closet door and picked up a drink instead. Before I knew it time flew by and instead of having that fulfilled life and family I always wanted I had resentment, regret, several sad goodbyes and heartbreak as my door prizes. Now, my body is protesting, my mind is fed up, and my heart so broken I am not really sure how I am going to put it all back together again.

I have put so many other people’s needs, demands and dreams before mine and placed un-even weight on the side of loyalty to others that what I’ve lost far outweighs the equity gained in my own life. I’ve been all in for the select people in my life which would be fine if I was all in for my own life first. My spirit has been broken for the last 7 months and it was breaking down slowly for years before that.

It has felt like every time I come up for air something pushes me below the water line again. I could blame it on an endless set of life circumstances and players in my life but the truth is I let it happen. I left myself open for it to happen and I’ve carried burdens that weren’t mine to carry. I’ve made excuses for others and myself. I’ve taken blame where I shouldn’t. My priorities were misplaced. I’ve let other people’s and my own: perfectionism, ridiculous standards, unrealistic expectations, judgments, lack of focus, dependency, addictions, emotional deficiencies and fear based decisions close more doors than were opened. Being guarded with my feelings and protective of others and sensitive to their feelings and secrets has created unwarranted drama, attacks, and fueled critic’s tongues and I put up with it and turned my cheek, chose silence and humility instead of picking up a sword.

When I got a divorce friends and family were buzzing with gossip. I remained silent. It’s interesting to me when I run into old mutual friends/acquaintances of ours the completely off base reasons they think I left my ex-husband. They would be shocked that I lasted one year in my marriage, let alone the 8 that I did if they knew the whole story. Most people don’t know that shortly after my divorce I fell in love with who I thought was THE love of my life- my soul mate and that I became pregnant and that when that door was closed on that relationship it broke me in ½. I felt so completely betrayed and hurt that I went to one of the darkest places I have ever been. I lost my footing completely and have felt lost ever since. It would shock people because I didn’t cry on anyone’s shoulder about it. I chose self-protection instead. I picked up a drink, put on a smile, refused to show that I cared. The show must go on. Meanwhile, I continued to encourage and build up those “friends” in my life and I shut the door on romantic relationships for the long haul and my feelings.

I gave 100% to work and to other people. If someone needed a resume written, a job, a shoulder, a babysitter, a drinking buddy, money, to feel confident, to feel validated, bailed out of a jam, I tried my best to be there and provide what I could and be supportive. I didn’t realize it wasn’t my job to do all that. It wasn’t until I lost my job of 15 years prematurely as a result of taking an activist level stance for others that I started to realize just how unequitable some of my relationships have been. There is nothing more depleting than finding out who and how people have stabbed you in the back, spoken untruths, and climbed over you for their own elevation after you set them up for success and put them in the positions they have. Still, I put on a smile, kept my mouth reasonably shut about it and pressed forward. All those people I helped get jobs and you think one of them would have passed along my resume for me or put in a good word. Nope.

I would have never classified myself as depressed before. I know now I was severely depressed for the last year. That is really hard for me to admit because I used to think people who were depressed were lazy and overly negative for no good reason. I have lacked affection in my life. I felt unclaimed and unlovable. This has a lot to do with all the people who have died in my life. I don’t expect someone who hasn’t been through it to even have a clue or fill a void that can’t be filled by another human. That isn’t fair to expect. Every time I took a risk and opened myself up to someone it felt like I was asking too much though. I watched the people I was closest to give affection to mere acquaintances and felt awkward even asking them for a hug when a hug is all I needed sometimes to keep me from wanting to leap off the edge of something. That is my fault. I have a huge tendency to see in others what I choose to see because I love them so much. This sometimes causes me to be blind and place people on pedestals when they haven’t earned it.

I spent too much time the last two years with a drink in my hand, going home empty and no closer to any of the goals I want to achieve. My health as of recently has been a huge wake-up call for me. There is a lot of uncertainty right now and I am scared but I have to face it head on and make the changes I need to make if I am going to be here for the one person who deserves 100% of my attention and presence- my son. It’s time to let others show me that they love me for once and stop bending myself in half to be everything to everyone. I didn’t get to this point because I was selfish. I haven’t been selfish enough.

If I’ve told you that I love you I meant it whole heartedly. If I went out of my way for you, was available to you, set you a part from others it came without strings. This blog post isn’t to make anyone feel guilty or call out anyone. It is to out myself and free myself of some of what I have been feeling trapped by. I hope you know just how loved you are. It is just time for me to fall in love with me again so I can be someone I am proud of. If you wronged me, stabbed me in the back, said mean things about me, you are forgiven even if you don’t want the forgiveness. I am still here. It’s time for me to honor God with the life he has given me and do better, be better, and heal so that I can be loved the way we are all supposed to be loved.

 

 

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