Don’t waste your time trying to analyze or disfigure my intentions by interpreting the things I have written or done. I have not ever shared my deep thoughts and feelings with you. This is the simple truth of it all:
I loved him beyond anyone’s understanding and even his own. I did not need to label it or explain it. Petty minds needed to define us and demanded for us to explain who we were to each other but not us. We never required this of each other because we both understood. We did not need to have sex with each other to be the most important person in one another’s life. Sex is so readily available elsewhere and his intellect and gentleness far outweighed anything I could gain from him sexually.
I did not need for him to label me- only set me apart in some special way. There were times he was my friend, my brother, my father, my partner but ultimately it does not matter- God put us in one another’s life for a good reason. The reason is no one’s business except God’s.
He knew he could call up on me for anything and I would be there. Whether he was right, wrong, or inadequate, or lonely, or whatever. It could be at 3 a.m. or five times a day. Whether or not his actions were that of a child throwing tantrums, or he played games in an effort to insight jealousy and anger in order to feel loved. Whether he needed others to see our interactions so that others could see how adored and loved he was so that he could feel accepted by an audience and validated. Whatever he needed I gave because I loved him and I was not blind to the methods by which he obtained soothing.
I understood his strengths, his potential, and his weaknesses and inadequacies and he is the only person who understood almost all of mine. Those I let him see anyway. He was always more willing to let me in than I anyone. One of the things I loved so much was that he was patient, kind, and no matter how much I tried to push him away he would gently pry me open. He understood I came with quirky rules. The most important “do not abandon me”.
For me, I needed nothing but to be seen, heard, and to know that nothing could separate our bond. I did not need him in the room, in the same city, or to be with him every day. It was just a bonus that he was and I was grateful for every moment I had with him. I needed to only know he was behind me. That if I had a weak moment he would be there if I asked.
When he stopped being there during important moments, when he became overly analytic of my behavior and accusatory, when he sought to destroy instead of understand, when he failed to realize how much I had sacrificed my own opportunities to promote his. When stranger’s circumstances took priority over mine. When he started only seeing his point of view. That is when I stopped. I stopped being the one to re-engage. But never did I or could I stop loving him.
I needed to wait and observe, to find out the truth- was I important? Did I matter enough to walk together through the set of tough life circumstances we were both being dealt? I left it up to him to initiate mending. He did not.
I never thought of myself so big or important that I should be the center of his life. There was this one important moment where I realized that in order for him to see himself through his eyes and really find himself and happiness I needed to move out of the way. I couldn’t let him rely upon my eyes to show him his greatness any longer.
So it has been long. Too long. I miss him. My desire for him to know himself and his purpose and to discover who he truly is more important than sharing my love with him. So I pray for him every day. I close my eyes and give him long hugs and wish him well. I whisper “I’m still here and I love you. If you need me I am here” and hope the wind carries my words to his heart. I hear things…. and I cry for him, laugh with him, and root for him secretly. It hurts to love this way. Still I cannot unloved him because I know him and I know this is his way.
So do not tell me how I feel, how I felt. You don’t know the first thing about my motives, my actions, how I feel, what he means to me, my life or who I am. It is beyond your desire to understand. You don’t really understand him either. You just get off on the sensationalism and interpretations instead of trying to understand the truth.